Fin

Cuando lleguen las 12 y no me diga 'feliz aniversario, mor', cuando se termine el año sin saber nada de él, cuando las uvas signifiquen solo una cuenta atrás y no el momento en el que yo esperaba un beso, el primero del año, será definitivo, se habrá acabado del todo. Puede haber o no haber un futuro para nosotros dos, pero ese camino que iniciamos hace un año, en una fiesta, con besos, ingenuidad y mucha esperanza, ese camino habrá muerto. Podría haber elegido otro día, porque para mí hoy es nuestro, y sin embargo se que no es cierto, que ya nada nuestro queda, más que el recuerdo. Y me pondré preciosa, todo lo que haga falta para no perderme esta noche, para disfrutar de lo que tengo, pero le echo de menos y eso no lo cambiará nada.

Nochevieja

¡Oh dios, que preciosa voy a ir! Mama es unica encontrándome cosas.

In the eye of the storm

Humans. All over the place, below me, crawling around like ants, with no apparent sense of unity. You can clearly see then that the one over there loves her. She thinks he is a good replacement, until she can find someone better. Kids playing, learning how to sociallice, jumping and threatening on telling on the partner. Mothers, sisters, friends, lovers, enemies, circles, circles interlacing, mixing, complicated and so very predictable. And amongst them all, me, watching them interact on my short ride like they are puppets and it's a show they put on for me. Do people really have a mind of their own or are they mine to play with? Puppets for christmas.

Companionship

Never underestimate the power of a kindred soul. Understanding feelings through personal loss, and making a common cause of keeping eachother upbeat. I look forward for that moment of the day when I can be really me, when I can talk about my innermost feelings and never feel ashamed or inadequate, but beautiful and intelligent and interesting instead. Helping me understand what lies behind it all, and making me smile through the path there and out. Blissful.

Early morning thoughts

So... yeah. This was a break. Not forever, we claimed, I claimed. Just until I'm better, just until I can work out my feelings and be able to talk to him without bawling. Just until he was back. And he said it didn't need to be definitive. As much confused as I am, I still think I got that right when he said that he didn't mean that he wasn't ever going to want a relationship again. So this needn't be goodbye, though it totally feels like it, and on the second night with no news of him, I'm starving for it.

I've gone through blinding anger, denial, depression and negotiation and there's only one left. Acceptance. Acceptance that this love I feel is real, that it isn't going away, and that I want him to be happy, always, and if he needs to find himself, so be it. So if this is temporary, maybe life will throw us together again. Maybe our bond really was special and it can take this. Maybe it isn't, I can't know that. On my side things are as strong as ever, on his side... I know he cares for me, I just don't know if that matters.

Wish I knew what the future holds. My plans were simple, grow old and wise together, and I wish that one day, when he's done with this self-discovery trip he's indulging in, well, I wish he would look back at all the people he's met, at who he is and who I am, and say 'she's still the one'. Wishful thinking, maybe. It's all so confusing, and the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that whatever the outcome is, I'm growing and I'm finding worth in myself.

Whatever happens, I'm still here. Wiser, stronger, prettier than ever and all in all an improved version of myself, if only because I've learned not to take anything for granted. Water tastes sweeter when you're thirsty, anyway.

Audience

So... Not a common post for me, but who is reading this? Because my stats keeps telling me that someone reads me daily in Germany and some other person/people from US are doing so too, and I'm getting curious, since usually my blog has but a few visits a week, usually from a close someone. So, whoever you are, speak up? I'd love it.

A or B

Choices, choices, choices. This is what it comes down to. I can either have one thing or the other, but not both. Stubbed my toe one too many times with the same silly pebble, so I'm ruling out that one, and I'm going for the choice of life. I am deserving, I have come to see that. Young, pretty, unique, as someone told me yesterday, and I'm making the choice to stay in my own path. He wanted it all, he wanted what love brings without the 'ties', as if love was an obligation and not a present. As if love could be given freely to any stranger, any 'hot babe', with the trust, intimacy, and all, and expect it to be special anyway.

That is not how love works, be it a mono or polyamorous relationship, it needs to be worshipped, it needs to be special, it needs physical closeness and a will to stick together through thick and thin, to work things out. It shouldn't be an effort, because when someone's special, you want to give that person things you don't give to anyone else. When a friend is close you trust him more and tell him truths that no one else knows. When a lover is close, you want to share things with them that you voluntarily decide not to give anyone else, to draw a line between that person and the rest of the world, because they are the world to you.

So I know I'm special. I know someone will love me the way I deserve, without making me another notch on the bedpost. Someone who knows what they want and doesn't stray off at the first sign of trouble. And that's why I made the choice of getting away, because he never knew he loved me until he left me and forced me away, and there have been so many ups and downs that he made me second guess my worth, because he wants me but he doesn't want to stay, and to me that's not fair. I am not waiting around for someone who doesn't know what he wants. When he figures out, let him come over, see who I am then, where I am. Perhaps in the arms of someone else, someone better.

Recuerdos

Se me agolpan ahora que el adiós se ve verdadero. Los recuerdos me asfixian, me duelen, los odio, los quiero, los necesito. Salamanca, él y yo, un bar especial, bravas, discutir y arreglarlo a abrazos y besos, y hacer el amor.

Juntos en una tarde gandiense, de paseo, comprando la comida, cocinando, besándonos, jugando.

¿Qué nos pasó, que los besos y abrazos ya no podían arreglarlo? ¿Qué hay tan importante que no pudiéramos superarlo? ¿Quizá el deseo de una relación abierta? No se qué es, pero ya no me siento ni especial ni suficiente.

Le echo de menos, y conforme más recuerdo menos entiendo. Y no quiero renunciar, pero me veo obligada a olvidar de momento, y esperar que pueda en algún punto amar de nuevo, a él o a otro, si mi corazón consiente.

A Star Rover

Glazing, gazing at the sky, twenty stars like saphires on dark black. Turn it on, the wand that brings magick on the world, go ahead and jump from this life to the next, and light up like wildfire, green and blue.

We are starseekers, wandering aimlessly through them sparks, mint fresh and breathing the secret of time (it doesn't exist, not how we believe). I can spring from spring to summer in Berlin, and find myself hidden in that shadowy alley that became our straight jacket, our prison of the mind.

Rove, Star Rover. Take your guidance from the twinkles above and find a new sun.

Done

I've tried, really tried, but I couldn't. I get why he did what he did, but I don't get what he did it for, when he's undoing it all again with his reluctance to let me go completely. He wants it all, and for what it's worth, I've been too willing to give it all, but not anymore. I'm not giving up on my love, all's due in due time, I'm just keeping it to myself, because it rather makes no sense to put myself through this.

My goal now is to be full and complete on my own, to reach that peace of mind and be who I always wanted to be, that strong person that can face the world and take it as a birthright. One day, I'll look at myself in the mirror and I'll say "I'm ready to fall in love again", but for now, it is just me and myself, and that's fine, because I'm the only one I can trust.

See you when I'm ready.

Dream

Today I dreamed of him, but naught good. He was keen on hurting me, on telling me I was worthless, on keeping people insulting me around me. I remember I was doing my make-up anyway, and keeping my tears to myself, raising my head and leaving from that toxic place. That's how it feels with him. I never know whether he's coming or going, and that doesn't matter anymore.

If it was my last day on earth...

I woke up and talked to one of the most important people in my life, sent him off his journey with a kiss. I spent all morning lazing around, doing things I like, cleaning a bit for my mom, and eating good stuff for lunch. I enjoyed a nice afternoon read and went to class only to find it had turned into a play room and we made fake snow snowmen. Talked to my family, got an unexpected present, a job offering, a couple of hugs and kisses and the love from children, which is always the most sincere. I went out with a friend, walked around town, shared a good laugh and decided we'd do this every week day, healthy too. A young man acknowledged me and made me feel pretty, with no fancy clothes or make up on. Back at home, I fell asleep on the couch to the background sound of my mother and her friend chattering, after a nice dinner and a talk with my special someone, who told me he was safe and sound at the station, and now that I'm about to make my way back to bed, I realize that it was a great day.

Should this, for whatever reason, be my last day on earth, I do believe I lived it to the fullest. And then a realization hits me. This is not so uncommon in my life. I just chose to ignore it and focus on the drawbacks, the inconveniences that come with human interaction. So I have now a new life purpose, I'll make a point to keep record of the good things, and cherish them for what they are, even if it is just a warm cup of tea and a nice book. Spent too much time complaining to see the true beauty of the small things. And at this time and place, I have to say, I am thankful. For all the people who stayed through thick and thin, for those who helped me get back on my feet, even if it hurt, for my dog and her snores, for the warmth and the cold and everything. It's been a rollercoaster of a week, but I think I'm coming out wiser and stronger.

And thanks to you, whoever is there reading, for listening.

11.11

Es inmensidad. Siento unas intensas ganas de llorar, ahora que sin verlo venir, un capullo ha florecido. Puede que sean las conversaciones con mis 4 ángeles, o puede que el examen aprobado empujara la primera pieza del dominó, pero de pronto lo tengo claro. No voy a renunciar a nada de lo que amo. Ni a pintar, ni a abrazar a mi chuch, ni a escribir, ni a hablar con mi lobo, ni a aprender, ni a amar, empezando por mí. Y si me cuesta y me caigo por el camino, solo merecerá más la pena, porque habré además aprendido a levantarme. No digo que no me asuste un poco a veces, pero ahora siento que tengo el coraje de afrontarlo. Hasta luego, orilla, me voy al mar.

About weird dreams...

...and puzzle pieces. About a production that never came to be, a hotel room with the sink on the roof, a door, a thorn, a thorn is a door. Dogs wild and children play, and rainbows hitting on sunrays. A whiteboard, hanging, being drawn. The scent of cool morning, the chirping, the inability, who are you and why are you here? Confusion, waking up and never knowing where you are until back to dreamland you stand with a brother nearing a building. Radio waves and interferences. I hear it all around me, the buzz.

I'm alive.

Palabras antes de dormir

Paz. ¿Es paz lo que siento? Creo que este es el camino correcto. El camino del cambio, girarlo todo hasta poner la tierra patas arriba y bajo mis pies, encontrar la verdad, saber que el verdadero enemigo iba dentro, y luchar y vencer en mi propio terreno. Hoy todo me habla de que el ciclo se ha completado, de que estoy a las puertas de aquello que anhelo, si solo lucho por ello. La pared se ha caído y hoy le veo el sentido a todo, incluso al principio. Voy a dejar de vivir sintiéndome culpable por ello, y voy a coger el mundo entre mis manos, pues es mío. Mañana me haré con mis óleos y voy a volver a ese estado primigenio de ser yo y el lienzo, porque tengo ilusión por oler los colores de nuevo.

The big picture.

A través de los días, los momentos interminables de tedio insoportable, calor que adormece el cuerpo y nada salvo el aleteo de algun pajaro extraviado, las preguntas atormentan el ser, cuestionando quién, cómo, cuándo e incluso 'y si...?' Se convierte en tu cárcel, tu mente.

Y por fortuna o un destino planeado antes de tu nacimiento, aparece ese trébol, esa sonrisa, esa revelación en forma de sorpresa en un pub. Es en ese momento cuando encuentras un desgarro en la realidad y puedes mirar más allá, y se te libera todo, y te conviertes en el que enciende las estrellas, en la noche interminable del alma. Vidas pasadas, vidas no vividas, lo que uno es, lo que uno hace, lo que no hará, todo se expande ante tus ojos vidriosos, atrapados en ese cuerpo que ya no es tuyo. Eres un auténtico vagabundo estelar, y desde el cielo se ve la gran imagen, y nada es más hermoso. Un reloj caminando hacia ninguna parte por la eternidad.

Debo leerte de nuevo, star rover.

Anew

I guess, for all it's worth, there is no broken promise. I've never been so sure as now. So cheers. 

Sueños

Uno detrás de otro tras una noche de risas y palabras con segundas con un camarero de la 23. Fue interesante ver como aún merezco determinadas atenciones. Pero volvamos a los sueños. Muchos de ellos, variados, dispares, extraños. Sueños de alegría unos, otros de los que odio porque me despierto, otros tristes, tanto que se parecen demasiado a la realidad. Encontrarte, perderte, encontrarte de nuevo, con otro rostro, otro nombre, pero el mismo abrazo. Tu y él, en el mismo mundo, en un universo donde puedo teneros a los dos en lugar de a ninguno, donde ni la muerte existe, ni existen las dudas ni existe el dolor. No quiero despertar.

Promesas

Hoy es el día. Tú y yo nos hicimos una promesa, una deuda si quieres, y hoy ha llegado el momento de cumplirla. Hoy que todo se ve gris, que se me desgastan los planes como se desgastan las mentiras, que por fin he dormido y ya no quiero despertar, hoy es cuando he de cumplir con mi lado del pacto. No importa cuánto duela, cuánto esté dejando atrás, hoy he de alzarme como Lázaro y andar. Cogeré la cera y dejaré mi piel lisa, por si alguien la acaricia. Me arrancaré las lágrimas y las convertiré en fuerzas para recordar por qué no funcionaría, y que yo lo sabía, y así aprender de nuevo a no amar. Me sacaré de este agujero así sea dejándome las uñas, porque ni él se merece que me quede ni tú que me rinda. Porque mi vida es tuya más que mía, hoy cumplo mi promesa de vivirla.

8415

Tú. Entre claroscuros y gritos, sangre coagulada, tú. Allí donde por última vez te vi, allí apareces. Sensación de paz, de que mi alma está, por fin, completa. Quizá he caído presa de las Manos Frías que te nos llevaron, quizá. No estás del todo. No importa. Tu abrazo sigue siendo ese lugar en el que me siento viva, sin planteamientos de qué hago aquí o quien soy (sin ti). Y la magia sucede, mejillas rosas y frías como tú, aquí, flotando en la inmensidad de este nuestro lugar, en el útero del universo, conectados más entre nosotros que con esa madre que sopló vida en nosotros, nuestro cordón umbilical que acaricias con temor estúpido, pues no concibo vida sin ti. Y entonces, sin previo aviso, la luz se apodera de mi habitación, abriendo mis ojos a la realidad de esta cama vacía, de esta vida vacía sin ti, mi media alma llorando tu ausencia. Pero sigo sintiendote, tu presencia es eterna, tus manos siguen, fantasmales, sobre mí. No te vas sin mí, y se que no nos perderemos. Juntos vinimos, juntos nos iremos.

22

I don't want to talk about it, but I will anyway, cause it's eating inside me, it's making me grey. I said I don't like it, I truly don't. Naught can come from loss. But it's hard for me, hard to be alone, and I was expecting some love, yet someone else deserved it much better than I do, you went to have your way while I slept with my mirror gone blue. So take it however you want, I know you won't know. I don't care, anyway, because I know you don't.

Silence

It's not them, it's me, I've come to see that. I didn't know why everyone was so mean, but now I do. Looking right at the staring glass, I've come to a realization, it's you they expected, the silent one. Never talk, only do what's right. Never smile, just place a comforting hand. You soothe me without words, and I despise my voice, so for all it's worth, I'm making a vow. I shall say only the words you whisper me. I shall leave all I think inside for you. Forget the way those eyes made me feel, like I was the scum of the world, and make it a plan to meet you, wherever you wait.

And until them, I'm just a lie. A twisted lie. 

Alter Ego

Como ser yo misma no es suficiente, me voy a comprar un alter ego. Un otro yo que sea más y mejor. Alguien de sal, por si acaso, con el corazón de agua y el estómago de hojalata, que si se oxida no pasa nada. Un traje a medida que no se rompa con las caidas, y en las idas y venidas en la colina de Jack y Jill, se quiebre todo menos la crisma. Funda de látex y gelatina. Láminas de gel sobre las pestañas. Pinturas y purpurina, que nadie diga que no brilla. Igual me pierdo en el camino, pero con mi alter ego, ¿qué más da?

Pointless

The one changes, the rest gone, and it's a holiday day, and we were supposed to meet, but here I am alone on my bed, watching hours pass me by. Pointless. Pointless to try. Pointless to belive we'll be ok in the end. Pointless because I'm alone and you're not the same.

EDIT: Not pointless but painful. Painful because I care, and I know you do too. Painful because at the end of the day I just wish I could hold you and figure out what to do. I just... I guess I worry too much, and feeling lonely won't help.

Rowing boat

Long like fingers, reaching through the dark, deep waters, reaching for a shade. What if I tried to reach for you too? All gone, all I care for, all I ever loved, left me alone on top of this island that some call home. It is not.

Nostalgia bites me hard, like a pulsating rain, pounding down, onto my head, clawing its way into my heart. Where did you go? I can't feel you anymore.

I can't very well row this distance that separates me from the shore. What am I to do?

I need you so much closer.

I want you so much closer.

I'd love you so much closer.

I can't have you any closer.

And I'd cross the atlantic swimming only for you, but it's a mile too long. You live far, Mars and beyond. No way to figure out where you've gone. So come on, come back to find me, because I'm at my wit's end, and I can't help missing you, but don't know what to do.

Come on.

Skinny dip

Are we looking for a happy ending? Your voice lulls me to sleep, fills me up with rejoice. Morning comes ever so often ever so soon, and it cries for you. Take my hand, one of this days, you're gonna have to take me home with you. Fall in the deep ocean together, as skinny as the day we were born. Drown together.

Do fairytales really exist?

Is there a beauty for the beast? Is there a little mermaid devoid of voice, turning to seafoam for not killing her love?

Moving pictures across the screen, faces I seem to know, people I'll never meet. Flashy lights of Hollywood? Is that all there is underneath? True love turning the corner, is it love? Really? Can it be? Love is truth. Love is being vulnerable, yet stronger than ever. Love is being there, always, even when you're not wanted, even when you know it's all unrequited, like beast was for beauty, when he knew she would never love him for what he was. Love is trying on your better self for the sake of that one person. Love is... Well, not this.

I saw his face, slashed, burned, dead. She loved anyway. I saw one cross the world to meet a first love forever kept in her heart. I've seen men and women brave methaphorical storms I have yet to see the likes of, break the deepest-rooted taboos in our society for that moment in the morning when you wake up and he's there. But I'm babbling away. What I mean is... I don't know what I mean, meaning got lost in somewhere I don't remember. What do I mean? Maybe I mean that I should have been stolen, like Ygritte and her Lord Snow. Maybe it's just that I don't feel the princess anymore, without no prince charming. Or maybe I'm meaningless.

They say beauty is skin deep, but who could love a monster? In this day and age, there would be no beauty for the beast, cause fairytales lie dead in a ditch.

Complicaciones de un lenguaje verbal

Esta noche no puedo dormir, espero al alba en mi cama, con la cabeza llena de posibles finales diferentes. Palabras, son solo palabras, pero confunden, duelen, arañan cuando lo dicho y lo oído no coinciden en perfecta calcamonía. Te echo de menos, sin embargo, y me confunden estas conversaciones. Descolocan mi visión de las cosas, a veces no se que quieres conmigo, tus palabras dicen una cosa, tus hechos otra y yo ahí en medio leyendo como si fuera disléxica. Así que no puedo dormir. Esta noche estoy sola.

Starlight

Como una quimera, los jirones deshilachados de un sueño que se esfuma con la bruma de la mañana. Como una realidad imposible, una ilusión óptica que pone a prueba tu sentido de la lógica. En aquello que nos define nos perdemos, y yo me vuelvo a perder.

Siempre hay periodos buenos. Pedazos de tiempo en los que el silencio de mi media alma me otorga paz de pensamiento, en los que puedo pensar en ti sin que se me rompa el corazón a trozos, y me envuelve la sensación de que, por fin, todo ha acabado, que he aprendido a aceptar lo que la vida me ha dado.

Pero entonces vuelve, como un león agazapado, nunca se había ido de verdad, tan solo no podía captar su olor. Y cómo vuelve. Arañando y mordiendo, arrancando trozos de carne, alcanzando el hueso y destrozando la médula. Agota mis energías, me absorve por completo hasta dejarme con el único deseo de tumbarme y evocar -invocar- tus manos.

La realidad es que nuestra realidad es una utopía, un sueño desvaneciéndose entre los primeros rayos de sol. Tu destino era salvarme para luego dejarme marchitar sola. Mi destino es soportarlo. Por ti, para ti.

Because I, you, me... am one.

The Witch and the Storm

Trying. I really am. It's not so easy, but I try to understand. So things don't always follow my blueprint, does happen from time to time. I try to deal. What's this all about but that? It's all jokes, and it's a nifty trick I learned to never mean what I say. Of deceitful nature, in name of truth. We all keep something trapped inside. You your monster, me the lies (and the truth hidden in between). For I don't hate you, it's ok, I just feel misvalued, no, what I feel is ok. There's no reason, just the moskito in my eyelid. It already flew away. They all do eventually. But blueprints were never really meant to be followed.

Sueño de una tarde de primavera.

Tú. Yo. Visión reduccionista del mundo, resumen y sumario de todo cuanto es. Yo. Tú.

Oí tu voz pronunciarte sobre la realidad, la esencia de este instante. Convencido de que cada segundo había de ser el único. Cada historia sin un principio ni final, solas, etéreas, eternas.Tu voz de terciopelo, grave, profunda, silenciosa, recordándome quien soy.

Mi oído, susurras, es una maquina perfecta de recoger sentimientos. Pedías que no dejara escapar la oportunidad, que me quedara y escuchara el resto de la función, y eso hice, eso hago. Todavía escucho en el silencio de la tarde que huele a calor, como si pudiera captar un latido. El amarillo nápoles se cuela por la ventana y habla de ajetreo y movimiento. Energía. Tú.

Acariciando mi piel con dedos de universo, me cuestionas, preguntas qué hago. ¿Es solo un sueño? Se me escapa el sol, aunque a la tarde aun le quedan horas. Miro al vacío de mi almohada.

Estás hecha para escucharme. 

No quiero oir más, así que me tapo las orejas con manos de cristal, y huyo a dormir, donde tú siempre estás corpóreo, donde muero, donde comienza el mundo. Yo. Tú. Tú y yo.

Predicciones y delirios de una conciencia alterada.

Te voy a atar a la pata de la cama, te daré de comer galletas y turrón. Te voy a involucrar en peleas de almohadas, y batiré claras de huevo en tu buzón. No preguntes qué sentido tiene, no hay respuesta más allá de 'no'. Te ataré a la pata de la cama y te pondré de nombre Salazón.

No es un secuestro, es voluntad mermada. No es amor, solo locura con antelación. Treinta días y una noche que no acaba, y tú a los pies de mi cama, dormido sobre un colchón.

Te arrancaré las ropas, calentaré tu cuerpo con carbón. Anudaré una correa a tu cuello y juntos de paseo robaremos un camión. Iremos a la China, por la ruta de la Seda, atados y enganchados, sin remedio, con pasión.

Te compraré un traje que polillas desearían para sí, tú buscarás golosinas, yo el rojo carmesí. Nos caeremos de los árboles y rodaremos por ahí, caeremos en un dique donde iremos a morir. Nos comeran las alimañas, moscas, arañas y demás, y al paso de los años nuestro fosil encontrarán, tu voluntad mermada atada a mi mano por siempre jamás.

Diamantes

¿De qué sirve brillar si nadie va a estar ahí para verlo? El mundo no está lleno de potenciales compañeros de viaje, solo de potenciales decepciones si bajas la guardia.