lunes, 31 de diciembre de 2012
domingo, 30 de diciembre de 2012
sábado, 29 de diciembre de 2012
viernes, 28 de diciembre de 2012
I've gone through blinding anger, denial, depression and negotiation and there's only one left. Acceptance. Acceptance that this love I feel is real, that it isn't going away, and that I want him to be happy, always, and if he needs to find himself, so be it. So if this is temporary, maybe life will throw us together again. Maybe our bond really was special and it can take this. Maybe it isn't, I can't know that. On my side things are as strong as ever, on his side... I know he cares for me, I just don't know if that matters.
Wish I knew what the future holds. My plans were simple, grow old and wise together, and I wish that one day, when he's done with this self-discovery trip he's indulging in, well, I wish he would look back at all the people he's met, at who he is and who I am, and say 'she's still the one'. Wishful thinking, maybe. It's all so confusing, and the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that whatever the outcome is, I'm growing and I'm finding worth in myself.
Whatever happens, I'm still here. Wiser, stronger, prettier than ever and all in all an improved version of myself, if only because I've learned not to take anything for granted. Water tastes sweeter when you're thirsty, anyway.
jueves, 27 de diciembre de 2012
That is not how love works, be it a mono or polyamorous relationship, it needs to be worshipped, it needs to be special, it needs physical closeness and a will to stick together through thick and thin, to work things out. It shouldn't be an effort, because when someone's special, you want to give that person things you don't give to anyone else. When a friend is close you trust him more and tell him truths that no one else knows. When a lover is close, you want to share things with them that you voluntarily decide not to give anyone else, to draw a line between that person and the rest of the world, because they are the world to you.
So I know I'm special. I know someone will love me the way I deserve, without making me another notch on the bedpost. Someone who knows what they want and doesn't stray off at the first sign of trouble. And that's why I made the choice of getting away, because he never knew he loved me until he left me and forced me away, and there have been so many ups and downs that he made me second guess my worth, because he wants me but he doesn't want to stay, and to me that's not fair. I am not waiting around for someone who doesn't know what he wants. When he figures out, let him come over, see who I am then, where I am. Perhaps in the arms of someone else, someone better.
miércoles, 26 de diciembre de 2012
Se me agolpan ahora que el adiós se ve verdadero. Los recuerdos me asfixian, me duelen, los odio, los quiero, los necesito. Salamanca, él y yo, un bar especial, bravas, discutir y arreglarlo a abrazos y besos, y hacer el amor.
Juntos en una tarde gandiense, de paseo, comprando la comida, cocinando, besándonos, jugando.
¿Qué nos pasó, que los besos y abrazos ya no podían arreglarlo? ¿Qué hay tan importante que no pudiéramos superarlo? ¿Quizá el deseo de una relación abierta? No se qué es, pero ya no me siento ni especial ni suficiente.
Le echo de menos, y conforme más recuerdo menos entiendo. Y no quiero renunciar, pero me veo obligada a olvidar de momento, y esperar que pueda en algún punto amar de nuevo, a él o a otro, si mi corazón consiente.
lunes, 24 de diciembre de 2012
We are starseekers, wandering aimlessly through them sparks, mint fresh and breathing the secret of time (it doesn't exist, not how we believe). I can spring from spring to summer in Berlin, and find myself hidden in that shadowy alley that became our straight jacket, our prison of the mind.
Rove, Star Rover. Take your guidance from the twinkles above and find a new sun.
I've tried, really tried, but I couldn't. I get why he did what he did, but I don't get what he did it for, when he's undoing it all again with his reluctance to let me go completely. He wants it all, and for what it's worth, I've been too willing to give it all, but not anymore. I'm not giving up on my love, all's due in due time, I'm just keeping it to myself, because it rather makes no sense to put myself through this.
My goal now is to be full and complete on my own, to reach that peace of mind and be who I always wanted to be, that strong person that can face the world and take it as a birthright. One day, I'll look at myself in the mirror and I'll say "I'm ready to fall in love again", but for now, it is just me and myself, and that's fine, because I'm the only one I can trust.
See you when I'm ready.
sábado, 22 de diciembre de 2012
viernes, 21 de diciembre de 2012
Should this, for whatever reason, be my last day on earth, I do believe I lived it to the fullest. And then a realization hits me. This is not so uncommon in my life. I just chose to ignore it and focus on the drawbacks, the inconveniences that come with human interaction. So I have now a new life purpose, I'll make a point to keep record of the good things, and cherish them for what they are, even if it is just a warm cup of tea and a nice book. Spent too much time complaining to see the true beauty of the small things. And at this time and place, I have to say, I am thankful. For all the people who stayed through thick and thin, for those who helped me get back on my feet, even if it hurt, for my dog and her snores, for the warmth and the cold and everything. It's been a rollercoaster of a week, but I think I'm coming out wiser and stronger.
And thanks to you, whoever is there reading, for listening.
miércoles, 19 de diciembre de 2012
martes, 18 de diciembre de 2012
lunes, 17 de diciembre de 2012
Y por fortuna o un destino planeado antes de tu nacimiento, aparece ese trébol, esa sonrisa, esa revelación en forma de sorpresa en un pub. Es en ese momento cuando encuentras un desgarro en la realidad y puedes mirar más allá, y se te libera todo, y te conviertes en el que enciende las estrellas, en la noche interminable del alma. Vidas pasadas, vidas no vividas, lo que uno es, lo que uno hace, lo que no hará, todo se expande ante tus ojos vidriosos, atrapados en ese cuerpo que ya no es tuyo. Eres un auténtico vagabundo estelar, y desde el cielo se ve la gran imagen, y nada es más hermoso. Un reloj caminando hacia ninguna parte por la eternidad.
Debo leerte de nuevo, star rover.