24 years ain't enough

You may not have been my grandmother by blood, but you sure were family. You cured my scraped knees when I fell to the ground, and gave me sweets on weekend evenings, and taught me how to cook and how to be tender. You showed me love through kindness and faith in me. My smiles were sincere when they reciprocated yours, and I truly believed that if I had been your granddaughter by blood, you wouldn't have loved me more.

Tonight you will sleep and you will rest. It may have been too much, the pain, and the only thing I wish was different was that I would have loved to be there. I wish I could have held another conversation with you, let you teach me yet another recipe, let you show me through your everlasting tenacity how I want to be at some point.

And I may have tears in my eyes and a heavy weight in my heart, but I'm glad we met in this life. You may not be here tomorrow, but the love remains the same.

Runas y hemoglobina

Pienso coger la cuchilla más afilada que encuentre y reescribir Inguz, Kano y Eihwaz sobre tu piel, una y otra vez, hasta que tu cuerpo se rinda y quede una cicatriz plagada de recuerdos de dolor, placer y tú y yo. Pienso dejarte coger la cuchilla más afilada que encuentres y que reescribas Inguz, Kano y Eihwaz sobre la piel de mi cadera, sangre y alcohol, para que quede para siempre escrito lo que dijimos aquella mañana, tras volver del castillo, para que nunca se olvide que un día nos vimos con el alma al desnudo, nos asomamos al vacío de dentro, y encontramos un espejo.

A dying star

Suddenly, without knowing where from or why, the strength is back. I'm on my way to a dying star, bursting with light, burning with heat that comes from within, and I know, I know that it will be fine. Xibalba, baby.

Of red and pink parachutes

And here I thought I saw clear, when I couldn't have been more mistaken. I thought my sight wasn't blurry anymore, but it was a fluke of the mind, it was madness all along. And I don't really know how, or why or when, but it was there, the deceitful promise. And I believed it. I thrived on it.

It doesn't really make sense, come think about it, if past experience's anything but a lesson to be learned, but I believed it. Again, I believed it. For fuck's sake! How many times do I have to trip on a stone before I figure out there's a stone there? I thought that hey, I couldn't infer a future result from past situations, that it only took one time to refute all my theories and hypothesis. Boy, was I blind.

Well, fuck that. I know better now.

Because it's been years already since anyone's looked at me the way he looked at her. Because it's been 2 weeks and all of 3 failed attempts at getting him to meet me are telling me I should really back the fuck off. Because the same can be said about... just about anyone else, really. Because I spent a day in between covers and the only one noticing something strange was so far away he's out of my reach.

So I'm thinking that I'll stop trying, I'll be better off that way. If anything comes (and my mind really still wants to tell me that it's not if, but when), I'll figure out what to do with it. Until then, me and my cat sounds about right.