Ghosts

An empty road before me. In my place to the left, I take control of it all, I make the decisions. Still, I look to my right to find the courage to do so. It's your eyes I search for in the side mirror, but I'm met with a blank space...with my own eyes.

It's dark and cold in this road tonight, no light, no right choice. I hear their voices, hear their questions. Why? Why? Believe me when I say you don't want to know, in blissful ignorance you shall live, oblivious to the pain that tears me open every night, to the ghost that circles my body every breath I take.

The cool air condensates around me, on the glass that protects me and keeps me from the world. Secluded in your cage, yet I've never been so delightfully trapped, so in bliss, burning in your flame that tames me, sores opening in my wrists from the blistering iron of your fingertips, your fingernails.

It strikes me with your beauty, only seen by me, belonging to me. Curling around me like the coiled snake, the sin we both adore; cold, yet hot; trapped, yet free; yours...yours.

Om du kunne se alt jeg kan se
I ensom majestet
Jeg lever i en synd
Svever i en løgn
Uten deg har jeg ingenting

O.O

I can't love. I can only feel that force that forces me into desiring a dream that repeats itself, features that reflect, a pain that submits me to my most tragic nature. A scent that reminds me the smell of my sheets that white winter night when I had you and lost you.

I can't love because I already love. I love madly and desperately, with the longing of the one who loves a dream as far as impossible, and each and every of your kisses are the breeze of the sea where I threw your ashes.

I love you with the brutal force of a star banished from the firmament. And I know I won't ever have you, just as I know day from night. I know all I will have left will be the torn memories and your silent void.

Rides and red shrimps.

Sway, sway, sway. Bump, bump, sway.

It's a calm starting for a hectic day. Twenty minutes later, and we're sopping wet, sunglasses and all. We stretch and blowdry ourselves. As there's no wind, we have to run really fast, but that's ok. Up, down, up, down, down...right? or was it up? Who cares anymore? We're already dry.

But the comfort of non-sticky watery clothes won't last long. It's our own fault, anyway. The pool, the fall, the river and the lake, we swam them all on strangely shaped logs. And then we walked through foggy halls from Greece to Rome, to drink from sweet flavoured icecubes.

And up and down and up, left, down, down, up...right, right? Again we don't care, again it's ok. Not completely dry, a bull with human body follows us as we save Ulises from the mad giant Snake and escape the fate of singing mermaids.

And finally, with your name on my skin, again, and the content of a properly used day, red all over and drained, I rest on my bed.

It was a beautiful day.

Empty

Fingertips that travel south one of the softest skins they've ever felt. Your touch feels electric, it sends shivers down my spine. It makes me quiver, makes me beg for more.

And then eyes flutter open. Your smell vanishes as the perfect dream rests torn between my fingers. The bittersweet taste of your berry mouth fading from my sealed lips. I toss and turn, my bed's so big...Then I lie down. Accepting it. I just stay awake with my eyes closed, trying to find your scent in my bare pillow. Day-dreaming, I can feel your hands roaming my body. Roaring, in waves crashing against my rocks, the pleasure of being as one.

But then a frown on my mouth settles down, puckered the hole that screamed in pain when you were torn from me, scarring me for life, marking with fire a poem in my heart, while yours stopped beating. Why did it stop? Wasn't my love enough to make you scream? To make you breathe? This love that is stronger than it should be. This love that is as forbidden as impossible. I know you feel the same. I know it, you told me in my dream. You wouldn't lie.

Because I could see the lie in your eyes. You, as me, all the same, I can read you as well as I can read myself. Can you read me? I'm written out just for you. You're the only one who deserves to know...who deserves to have me whole, yet these Cold Hands took you away.

And so here I lie. Jealous of everyone and anyone that can have what I never will. Jealous of whatever God there is, for having you by their side, you wingless angel. Broken, forgotten and unsatisfied.

Empty.

A beautiful lie

A lie. This world's full of them. Deceitful words, deceitful stares and open hands -over the mouth. Living a lie since the only truth is buried deep under the wet earth of the beautiful northern lands.

Dressed in green like the greed that surrounds me. My body just a reminder of what will never be. Like a shape under the pressure of the sun, I shrink. Silver on my skin and gold in my eyes, like a wolf, I sneak around, surrounding my prey. Studying it. Seizing it. My teeth no longer white with the blood of my latest hunting trip.

I'm just a starved soul ready to claim love only for his company tonight. If he can silence my thoughts until the next sun, I'll love him forever...but don't miss the wink. No one said I'd be by his side while I loved him.

Stay, he begs, his voice barely a ghost of the powerful growl of the male who feels -knows- himself to be alpha. He's barely a ghost of himself now. All my fault, but who cares?

I just wink, laugh and say I will stay...somewhere. Where? Who knows. I've been nowhere since I was born. Or more like no one. But no one can be nowhere, right? But ok, don't cry, I'll be safe, in the arms of another mate, of another crowd. As long as the throbbing bits of my soul are calmed by the ice of the warmest stare, I'll be fine.

I'll keep going, I'll keep living. As long as I'm still beautiful, I'll be just a beautiful lie.

Promise we'll fight

I woke up with your hand on my knee in deep red. I smiled when you smiled, because I just know you did. I know what you thought, I thought it too; you always know how to get engraved on my skin. In my skin.

Then the dreamland attacked me again with a thousand-bricks wall and a stolen kiss. A crown on my head and you by my right side, and I was pronounced queen of the lovely mirrors. All was good, all was nice, you by my side, and an army of cloned angels.

But then they came. They want us, they envy us. They will fight us to steal what we have, even though it's something that you can't even touch. They promise a salvation that is damnation to us. They promise a heaven full of shadows and boogie men hiding in every corner.

Promise we won't let them. With you, my universe is complete. Tá tú m'anamchara. If this is my only chance, then I cherish it with all my might. Call the angels, tell them to spread their wings. We won't let them break us.

Mistakes

How many mistakes have I done? How many words came wrong? How many times did I choose the wrong ones? I don't feel like I'll ever come out of this neverending story. I don't think I will ever understand how the world works, how people judge other people, how you decide what's wrong and what's right.

I learned through mistakes that I did not want to lose him, as I did lose you, as I did lose them. I've had one too many drinks and I've made a fool out of myself. The only chance, lost. I think I've lost my light.

So I just want to say that I'm sorry.

Dots and german singers

Things have changed the past few days. He did wrong, I reacted. For better or worse, things weren't smooth between us, and so it's over. Es ist vorbei. Se acabó. And for one reason or another, I'm not happy...nor sad. Just me, singing loud and clear "Vorbei" from Christina Stürmer until my throat is raw and going to the movies with my *hawt* neighbour. Just enjoying my new freedom and the new sense to my empty bed.

On a different note, I was the other day stretching on the floor of my room and I couldn't help but notice the amount of beauty marks dotted all over my body. That made me think of the genetics of that, and the chances that you had the same on your body. Would you have the one I've got on the right down corner of my lip? Or the one on the right side of my chest? Or the big one on my left shin? Just curious.

Off to bed now, singing vorbei and ready to face a new day alone, in the biggest sense of the word, when I'm missing my soulmate.

I once wrote about it, and I have to write it again, because it's the old story over and over. Girl, you've got to know when it's time to turn the page when you're only wet because of the rain... When no more tears can fall because of you, it's time to close the book and start a new one. And I don't longer care that you won't move on, because that's not my problem anymore. It's ok, you must understand it, you could never be, because how can I really trust someone when my soulmate is dead? How can I stop the lies when the only truth is buried? How can I make myself see you when I'm no longer watching?

The problem is...see, I need to find the right moment. If only you would read this and understand what it means, then things would be easier, but you will deceive yourself, make believe this is just another lie, a nightmare to go down the flush. But it's not, and it's not that you've changed or I've changed, which I've done. It's as simple as it is. We never were and could never be. It's ok, you don't need to understand, but it's not you I dream of. It's not you who can set things right in my mess of an universe. So just turn around, close the door and leave far, far away, where we shall never meet again. And when you leave, make sure you find someone who understands you like I never could.

BTW. D.- ILD, forever, no matter where you are or if you are at all.

Dreams

You know, the deepest wound in my body was because of you, just as I owe you having just half a soul, the seams still dripping blood from when it was ripped apart. To think that my only dream was to hold your hand just once, but as simple as it seems it will never come true, for the only way I can hold you is catching the image reflecting over a crystaline pond. Nothing is evergreen but my love for you.

To think they say I cannot miss you...I cried myself sick when I lost you from my side, a fate worse than death following the seconds they took you away. My fingertips itch to touch your skin again, but it's no use, because when you are water, I'm fire, when you are sun, I'm stars. And though I find you in the weirdest places, in the weirdest moments, you're still not completely there, just a breeze blowing through my hair and whispering the words I dread more in this world. Because it was my fault. I couldn't save you because you had to save me, even though sometimes I wish we went together, just as we came.

Your eyes haunt me in the mirror. I'm under a spell casted by a voice I never heard. I sometimes wonder why you couldn't cry, and it makes me want God to exist, so that I can get angry at him. And then, as fury subsides, as tears dry and calmness invades my body, I intuit the ghost of a hand over my own hand, which stills completely, and I know my dream has come true.

Steel & Glass

Deseo inspirarme en la belleza, pero solo veo ante mí parajes desolados. Busco entre montañas de deshechos un color con el que pintar el mundo, pero cada noche, al despertarme envuelta en frías sábanas, recuerdo que el mundo solo tiene color si tiene luz. Luz que me fue arrebatada en un segundo; después de meses de iluminación tenue envolviendo en tinieblas mi oscuridad. Como una supernova, brilló por todo lo alto antes de apagarse para siempre, dejándome sola ante las rocas y un mar embravecido bajo mis pies.

Quisiera recordar ese momento para poder escribir sobre ello, sobre la belleza abrumadora de tu silencio, la misma belleza cruel de la naturaleza en toda su esencia, la terrible hermosura de saberse tan pequeño frente al universo, y la certeza de que ese mismo universo me parecería pequeño si pudiese recorrerlo a tu lado. Pero mis recuerdos se limitan a mis sueños, sueños que a veces desearía no recordar, y mientras despierte entre mantas húmedas y saladas, envuelta en llamas que no llegan a prender mi piel, deseando que el sueño no acabara nunca, seguiré buscando esa belleza inexistente en un mundo gris desde que tú no estás en él. Seguiré mirándome en el espejo cada mañana, único consuelo que me queda.

Gone

Sometimes, when dusk comes, and I'm lying on my empty bed, as I remember the things I could have but I don't, as I count the ones I love and the ones who love me back, as I think of the day just wasted, I wonder, if I died right then and there, would anyone notice?

Idioteces

Todo empezó como una tontería la última noche que le vi. La atracción siempre había existido, al menos de mi parte, pero una amistad se interponía; sin embargo, el alcohol y las frustraciones pudieron más que mi conciencia, y el deseo afloró como una mera intención de arrancarle el oxígeno directamente de los labios.

Por suerte o desgracia nada sucedió aquella noche, aunque muchas otras noches siguieron. La presencia ya no era física, pero seguía siendo suficiente para hacerme suspirar y enrojecer. Entre indirectas perdidas tras una máscara de inocencia, dobles sentidos y palabras ligeramente acaloradas, surgió lo que yo más temía.

Porque el deseo no puede permanecer eternamente como tal. Una llama no puede arder eternamente, sin embargo las brasas calientan por mucho más tiempo, y el calor es más agradable. Y como todo el mundo sabe, una llama o se apaga o se convierte en brasa, y la nuestra no se apagó. Poco a poco las calidas palabras se tornaron en dulces, convirtiéndome en arcilla húmeda en sus manos.

Y es que dicen que un corazón de piedra es duro, pero no inquebrantable. El agua se cuela en las grietas de la roca, y al tornarse en hielo, la rompe sin remedio. Y yo quiero nadar en tus aguas eternamente.

2003

Recuerdo ese día como si fuera ayer. Quizá porque ha sido prácticamente la única vez que algo así me ha sucedido. Cenamos juntos, y el regalo fue aquel collar de medio corazón del que me desprendí absurdamente tal vez. Todo se fue a la mierda poco después de esa noche...perdón por el mal lenguaje.

Años después he tenido más relaciones, algunas más satisfactorias que otras, casi siempre con aquella relación en el fondo de mi mente, recordandome lo que solo he sentido una vez. Por egoismo o por ausencia, jamás nadie ha vuelto a hacer algo similar por mi, no que yo pueda recordar. Bueno, recuerdo otra vez...pero fue tan extrañamente rutinario que no tengo apenas recuerdos de ello.

Ahora, no me molestaría la soledad si fuera solo en esta fecha en la que todo el mundo siente la obligación de estar emparejado. Pero es el resto del año lo que me molesta. Miro atrás y no recuerdo bien el sentimiento de ser querida por alguien...alguien a quien yo desee y quiera y pueda tener. ¿Qué ha sido de mi adolescencia entonces? ¿Dónde fueron esos segundos irrecuperables, en qué los malgasté, que ni puedo recordarlo?

Quería que por san valentin me llegara algún regalo, pero a esta velocidad, con que me llegue el amor en algún punto entre hoy y lo antes posible, me basta. Triste, ¿no?

Yet we're still the same

A soft beat. The voice resonating in my brain. My soul floating in the numbness of your absence. I feel what you call serenity; I call it hollowness. Don't, oh, don't hope I'll be there.

I'm standing steadily looking at the puddles of waves drenching the floor. You said you'd sooth my pain. But wait, oh, wait, till I close my eyes. Don't let them burn.

A needle piercing the old beating form. Will you drown into my core? I thought you would be there. I believed, you betrayed. Never, oh, never getting nething in return.

Step, step, step. You make me sway. Take me to your scar. Let me make it bleed for me. To see you're still alive. I got nothing to claim. Don't, oh, don't let me leave.

You're not soothing my pain, you won't kiss my fears away. Sea waves wave me in my wake. Sway me, you're making me faint. Seek me in the night. Set me on fire. Never wait for your turn. Swallow my creaking breath, fall before the grace of the face. Never less than three me, you know what I mean. Don't, oh, don't beg. You know we're both the ones to take the blame. I let you leave, you let me stay. And still I'm tied to you, the old silvery tethers never broke, never strained. Slash me open, I won't bleed your flames.

A slow beat. An easing voice in the night. The sudden silence. Smell of your skin on my bed. Your eyes on fire, your mouth stutters again, you can't believe I could forgive you. You would never believe I'd get rid of..you.