So... yeah. This was a break. Not forever, we claimed, I claimed. Just until I'm better, just until I can work out my feelings and be able to talk to him without bawling. Just until he was back. And he said it didn't need to be definitive. As much confused as I am, I still think I got that right when he said that he didn't mean that he wasn't ever going to want a relationship again. So this needn't be goodbye, though it totally feels like it, and on the second night with no news of him, I'm starving for it.
I've gone through blinding anger, denial, depression and negotiation and there's only one left. Acceptance. Acceptance that this love I feel is real, that it isn't going away, and that I want him to be happy, always, and if he needs to find himself, so be it. So if this is temporary, maybe life will throw us together again. Maybe our bond really was special and it can take this. Maybe it isn't, I can't know that. On my side things are as strong as ever, on his side... I know he cares for me, I just don't know if that matters.
Wish I knew what the future holds. My plans were simple, grow old and wise together, and I wish that one day, when he's done with this self-discovery trip he's indulging in, well, I wish he would look back at all the people he's met, at who he is and who I am, and say 'she's still the one'. Wishful thinking, maybe. It's all so confusing, and the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that whatever the outcome is, I'm growing and I'm finding worth in myself.
Whatever happens, I'm still here. Wiser, stronger, prettier than ever and all in all an improved version of myself, if only because I've learned not to take anything for granted. Water tastes sweeter when you're thirsty, anyway.