Choices, choices, choices. This is what it comes down to. I can either have one thing or the other, but not both. Stubbed my toe one too many times with the same silly pebble, so I'm ruling out that one, and I'm going for the choice of life. I am deserving, I have come to see that. Young, pretty, unique, as someone told me yesterday, and I'm making the choice to stay in my own path. He wanted it all, he wanted what love brings without the 'ties', as if love was an obligation and not a present. As if love could be given freely to any stranger, any 'hot babe', with the trust, intimacy, and all, and expect it to be special anyway.
That is not how love works, be it a mono or polyamorous relationship, it needs to be worshipped, it needs to be special, it needs physical closeness and a will to stick together through thick and thin, to work things out. It shouldn't be an effort, because when someone's special, you want to give that person things you don't give to anyone else. When a friend is close you trust him more and tell him truths that no one else knows. When a lover is close, you want to share things with them that you voluntarily decide not to give anyone else, to draw a line between that person and the rest of the world, because they are the world to you.
So I know I'm special. I know someone will love me the way I deserve, without making me another notch on the bedpost. Someone who knows what they want and doesn't stray off at the first sign of trouble. And that's why I made the choice of getting away, because he never knew he loved me until he left me and forced me away, and there have been so many ups and downs that he made me second guess my worth, because he wants me but he doesn't want to stay, and to me that's not fair. I am not waiting around for someone who doesn't know what he wants. When he figures out, let him come over, see who I am then, where I am. Perhaps in the arms of someone else, someone better.