domingo, 24 de febrero de 2013

Carelessness of a boundary-free mind

What is life? What are we doing here? Who are we? Where are we going? Why is life this way? Why, what, who, where, when, how, why. Neverending questions to the endless soul. Us humans can be such curious creatures. Always asking, always wanting to know more, more about the world, life, universe, anything and everything. They come like waves in the sea of our minds, crashing, turning, twisting us around so we can try and seek an answer.

I used to be a question too. At some point maybe I was a who, other times I was what, or why, or... really, I've been all and I've been none. There was something soothing about it, probably the certainty that I existed. You can never be sure of that, but if someone is asking questions about you, you must be real for sure, something stable in this shifting reality we live in. That 'never knowing for sure', well, it can be pretty terrifying; that everything one ever associated with the SELF may be naught but an illusion. But truth is, if I'm allowed to speak of the truth as I see it, there's no need for confirmation. One is.

Nothing at this moment belongs to me and I am the owner of the world. I can see the colors shifting. I can see the world around me, but it's alien to me. It's at this point that nothing matters. People, those I sometime knew, are strangers to me now. I don't really know who I am anymore, either, or if I am at all, so there's nothing unsettling about it. I, I, I... what does that mean? What am I? I acknowledge that there is a 'me' somewhere, but I don't think it belongs to this body. I think, now, that this 'me' is bigger than that, and it's trying to get out.

"Where's my love?" Katie asks through the speakers, drunk and in a haze, a question that this one I share my space with has asked one too many times, a question never to be asked again. It doesn't matter anyway. Katie keeps singing 'lilac wine'. Takes this brain back to a time when it thought life would be harder than this, when it believed everything had an expiration date. When 'I' needed answers for it all. It has all taken a V turn since then, maybe growing up did its part, and a full blown dissociation syndrome has helped too. Nothing can end, I realized. Not when nothing can start. Ends, starts, all a disturbance of the mind, our way to try and figure out a world in shades of color when the paint is all the same. There was a moment in time when there was huge light that we created, and somewhere that remains. I need no more than that. 

You and I, we used to be the same, and I think we still are, I don't know for sure, I don't care. My soul speaks for my brain this time, and it says we are made of the same stardust, you with your bodyless voice and me with my voiceless body. Who needs voice when the eyes speak? Who needs a body when the soul can soar free?

Someone wonders if I'm ok. Of course I am. I have no real questions anymore, I seek no answers, I need none. Nothing bad can happen, because whatever happens is for the best, whether it keeps this body awake one night or not. I feel crazy, perhaps, in this meatsuit that's not mine anymore, breathing life and floating across the sky. I don't really know what I might have said that might have given the impression that I'm not fine. On the contrary, the fighting is over and the sun has come out again, to cast a light across the wounded and the healing, and a new cycle is bound to arrive. For the fight was within and not outside.

So who am I? Outside the battle, outside a body, outside the world and the universe, I am. There's no question of who, because I am me and I am you and I am everything in between. Bright burst of light or pure darkness, pure void. There's nothing to me but the eternal soul and that is the universe in itself, and everything beyond, and nothing. I am contradiction, I am terrifying. I am terrified. I am a whisper.

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