And miles to walk before I sleep

Escaping my screaming mind. It says 'run' but all I do is stick to the plan and stay for a little longer. Tomorrow may not come, and I don't want to be caught by dawn wheezing my lungs out. Can you sit here with me for a while? I don't care what happens, I don't give a fuck. When the bridge comes, we'll cross it, if we have to, but for now I want to sit down and soar.

I will burn myself, the fire's too close. I have done it  before, it's not like I didn't know. My mind is yelling at me to get away, but I stay. And it sounds like a voice, little in the beginning, tiny little voice that speaks almost shy but all too clearly. And it has been here, silent all these years.

I might step into the woods, never come out. I might lie watching the snow fall on me from the clouds. It looks so enticing, a hideout, a safe haven I can run away to. But this little voice that's becoming bigger says I can make it. Says fire burns, but no dragon is afraid of fire. So I stay, take baby steps towards today.

"[...]The woods are lovely, dark and deep, 
but I have promises to keep,
and miles to walk before I sleep,
And miles to walk before I sleep. "

Mess

I think he loves me more than you do. No matter what I do, in his eyes I'm sacred, I'm beautiful, I'm intelligent and a shinning star. I think he wants to be my significant other, and stay by my side, be the father of my babies and all that stuff. I think he would fight for me, I think he admires me, he cherishes me, he loves me because I am who I am.

I think that it sucks a lot, because I love you more than I love him. I think you are smart, and funny and complicated, and I think that you're sometimes a stranger, but I admire you, I cherish you, I love you because you are who you are.

I think I love him too, and despite the things that separate us, I would kiss him if I could, but he's in love with someone else, and yet I think he loves me more than you do.

Hair on the pillow

I have been in love. I have been loved back. I've been dumped, broken hearted, betrayed by the closest of friends, or even by myself. I've sabotaged my own good moments, lost things and people dear to me, broken arms, spent nights crying. I have climbed trees and mountains, smelled the pine trees, eaten raw seeds. I have befriended girls and boys alike, done exams, passed some, failed others. I have learned what it is to miss someone having them next to me. But beyond all that misery and joy, I have not faltered. I have found I'm in love with life in all its raw, unadultered nature. In that, I have found my own true strength.

And I aknowledge it, I will suffer. Unrequitted love, loss, maybe hunger and pain, who knows? But every single moment I live I know I have a purpose, I know which, and I have it engraved on my skin. For us is the world, for us I take it. Mornings in a haze of sleepy arrangements, water down my throat, scent of old paper and old stories, mint fresh in my healing hands. When things go down, I shall put my hands up, scream and enjoy the rollercoaster. With tunnel vision and a strange, new focus.

Sinergy

Like a river, down, down, to the big, blue, deep sea. In swift motions or freak jumps, snake in the water, flowing with the current. Taking the trip by train so you can enjoy the landscape, beautiful sculptures slowly chiselled by the unknown author. Finding that when you finally stop talking and listen instead, the world is full of colours and flavours. The beast in the throat wouldn't allow to hear it, wouldn't allow to see the unfiltered, untamed wonder of the simple being.

Are we or are we not?

I want to jump the gun. I want to take it slow. I want to say yes. I want to say no. I want it clear, but it can't be. I want to think what my heart wants and want what my head thinks. I want to be crazy. I want to be serene. I want the confusion, the illusion, the distilled sensations, the rush, the rain. I want to be thine, whoever that might be. I want to stay mine. I want to break away. I want to stick through this. I want to wreak havoc in thy mind, in thy heart. I want thee far. I want thee close. I guess I don't really know, but I wish I could jump the gun and jump into the pool, be it empty or full, yet a second it takes for thee to break what takes years to make.

Am I a modern Juliet again?

"O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?"

Carelessness of a boundary-free mind

What is life? What are we doing here? Who are we? Where are we going? Why is life this way? Why, what, who, where, when, how, why. Neverending questions to the endless soul. Us humans can be such curious creatures. Always asking, always wanting to know more, more about the world, life, universe, anything and everything. They come like waves in the sea of our minds, crashing, turning, twisting us around so we can try and seek an answer.

I used to be a question too. At some point maybe I was a who, other times I was what, or why, or... really, I've been all and I've been none. There was something soothing about it, probably the certainty that I existed. You can never be sure of that, but if someone is asking questions about you, you must be real for sure, something stable in this shifting reality we live in. That 'never knowing for sure', well, it can be pretty terrifying; that everything one ever associated with the SELF may be naught but an illusion. But truth is, if I'm allowed to speak of the truth as I see it, there's no need for confirmation. One is.

Nothing at this moment belongs to me and I am the owner of the world. I can see the colors shifting. I can see the world around me, but it's alien to me. It's at this point that nothing matters. People, those I sometime knew, are strangers to me now. I don't really know who I am anymore, either, or if I am at all, so there's nothing unsettling about it. I, I, I... what does that mean? What am I? I acknowledge that there is a 'me' somewhere, but I don't think it belongs to this body. I think, now, that this 'me' is bigger than that, and it's trying to get out.

"Where's my love?" Katie asks through the speakers, drunk and in a haze, a question that this one I share my space with has asked one too many times, a question never to be asked again. It doesn't matter anyway. Katie keeps singing 'lilac wine'. Takes this brain back to a time when it thought life would be harder than this, when it believed everything had an expiration date. When 'I' needed answers for it all. It has all taken a V turn since then, maybe growing up did its part, and a full blown dissociation syndrome has helped too. Nothing can end, I realized. Not when nothing can start. Ends, starts, all a disturbance of the mind, our way to try and figure out a world in shades of color when the paint is all the same. There was a moment in time when there was huge light that we created, and somewhere that remains. I need no more than that. 

You and I, we used to be the same, and I think we still are, I don't know for sure, I don't care. My soul speaks for my brain this time, and it says we are made of the same stardust, you with your bodyless voice and me with my voiceless body. Who needs voice when the eyes speak? Who needs a body when the soul can soar free?

Someone wonders if I'm ok. Of course I am. I have no real questions anymore, I seek no answers, I need none. Nothing bad can happen, because whatever happens is for the best, whether it keeps this body awake one night or not. I feel crazy, perhaps, in this meatsuit that's not mine anymore, breathing life and floating across the sky. I don't really know what I might have said that might have given the impression that I'm not fine. On the contrary, the fighting is over and the sun has come out again, to cast a light across the wounded and the healing, and a new cycle is bound to arrive. For the fight was within and not outside.

So who am I? Outside the battle, outside a body, outside the world and the universe, I am. There's no question of who, because I am me and I am you and I am everything in between. Bright burst of light or pure darkness, pure void. There's nothing to me but the eternal soul and that is the universe in itself, and everything beyond, and nothing. I am contradiction, I am terrifying. I am terrified. I am a whisper.

We humans can be wretched creatures, but not without hope.

More than anything, there's filth. Filthy words, filthy stares, filthy scents and filth, filth, filth. It's all rotten to the very core, so much so that anyone wanting to save it would find himself wanting. Short of cutting off the roots and planting a new seed, there's naught to be done. It smells like stale air and stale promises, moldy like bread under the rain. And there's so much that was promised. Life, love, changes for the better, security, a family maybe, a home. All gone, all broken by a windy gust.

I used to believe we'd share the world, but now we try to rip it from each other's mouth -that is, when we don't try and rip each other's throat-, and soon there will be nothing left but ashes to share. And yet, I, ever the believer, want to create a space of peace in all this whirlwind that surrounds us, because still there are reasons why my heart skips a beat, there are things that make me swoon, even in the backseat of an old bus, even alone. I planted my roses and hoped against hope that they would grow roots strong. Am I mistaken for thinking there's still a chance we can be happy? Am I foolish?