Fin

Cuando lleguen las 12 y no me diga 'feliz aniversario, mor', cuando se termine el año sin saber nada de él, cuando las uvas signifiquen solo una cuenta atrás y no el momento en el que yo esperaba un beso, el primero del año, será definitivo, se habrá acabado del todo. Puede haber o no haber un futuro para nosotros dos, pero ese camino que iniciamos hace un año, en una fiesta, con besos, ingenuidad y mucha esperanza, ese camino habrá muerto. Podría haber elegido otro día, porque para mí hoy es nuestro, y sin embargo se que no es cierto, que ya nada nuestro queda, más que el recuerdo. Y me pondré preciosa, todo lo que haga falta para no perderme esta noche, para disfrutar de lo que tengo, pero le echo de menos y eso no lo cambiará nada.

Nochevieja

¡Oh dios, que preciosa voy a ir! Mama es unica encontrándome cosas.

In the eye of the storm

Humans. All over the place, below me, crawling around like ants, with no apparent sense of unity. You can clearly see then that the one over there loves her. She thinks he is a good replacement, until she can find someone better. Kids playing, learning how to sociallice, jumping and threatening on telling on the partner. Mothers, sisters, friends, lovers, enemies, circles, circles interlacing, mixing, complicated and so very predictable. And amongst them all, me, watching them interact on my short ride like they are puppets and it's a show they put on for me. Do people really have a mind of their own or are they mine to play with? Puppets for christmas.

Companionship

Never underestimate the power of a kindred soul. Understanding feelings through personal loss, and making a common cause of keeping eachother upbeat. I look forward for that moment of the day when I can be really me, when I can talk about my innermost feelings and never feel ashamed or inadequate, but beautiful and intelligent and interesting instead. Helping me understand what lies behind it all, and making me smile through the path there and out. Blissful.

Early morning thoughts

So... yeah. This was a break. Not forever, we claimed, I claimed. Just until I'm better, just until I can work out my feelings and be able to talk to him without bawling. Just until he was back. And he said it didn't need to be definitive. As much confused as I am, I still think I got that right when he said that he didn't mean that he wasn't ever going to want a relationship again. So this needn't be goodbye, though it totally feels like it, and on the second night with no news of him, I'm starving for it.

I've gone through blinding anger, denial, depression and negotiation and there's only one left. Acceptance. Acceptance that this love I feel is real, that it isn't going away, and that I want him to be happy, always, and if he needs to find himself, so be it. So if this is temporary, maybe life will throw us together again. Maybe our bond really was special and it can take this. Maybe it isn't, I can't know that. On my side things are as strong as ever, on his side... I know he cares for me, I just don't know if that matters.

Wish I knew what the future holds. My plans were simple, grow old and wise together, and I wish that one day, when he's done with this self-discovery trip he's indulging in, well, I wish he would look back at all the people he's met, at who he is and who I am, and say 'she's still the one'. Wishful thinking, maybe. It's all so confusing, and the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that whatever the outcome is, I'm growing and I'm finding worth in myself.

Whatever happens, I'm still here. Wiser, stronger, prettier than ever and all in all an improved version of myself, if only because I've learned not to take anything for granted. Water tastes sweeter when you're thirsty, anyway.

Audience

So... Not a common post for me, but who is reading this? Because my stats keeps telling me that someone reads me daily in Germany and some other person/people from US are doing so too, and I'm getting curious, since usually my blog has but a few visits a week, usually from a close someone. So, whoever you are, speak up? I'd love it.

A or B

Choices, choices, choices. This is what it comes down to. I can either have one thing or the other, but not both. Stubbed my toe one too many times with the same silly pebble, so I'm ruling out that one, and I'm going for the choice of life. I am deserving, I have come to see that. Young, pretty, unique, as someone told me yesterday, and I'm making the choice to stay in my own path. He wanted it all, he wanted what love brings without the 'ties', as if love was an obligation and not a present. As if love could be given freely to any stranger, any 'hot babe', with the trust, intimacy, and all, and expect it to be special anyway.

That is not how love works, be it a mono or polyamorous relationship, it needs to be worshipped, it needs to be special, it needs physical closeness and a will to stick together through thick and thin, to work things out. It shouldn't be an effort, because when someone's special, you want to give that person things you don't give to anyone else. When a friend is close you trust him more and tell him truths that no one else knows. When a lover is close, you want to share things with them that you voluntarily decide not to give anyone else, to draw a line between that person and the rest of the world, because they are the world to you.

So I know I'm special. I know someone will love me the way I deserve, without making me another notch on the bedpost. Someone who knows what they want and doesn't stray off at the first sign of trouble. And that's why I made the choice of getting away, because he never knew he loved me until he left me and forced me away, and there have been so many ups and downs that he made me second guess my worth, because he wants me but he doesn't want to stay, and to me that's not fair. I am not waiting around for someone who doesn't know what he wants. When he figures out, let him come over, see who I am then, where I am. Perhaps in the arms of someone else, someone better.