Fin

Cuando lleguen las 12 y no me diga 'feliz aniversario, mor', cuando se termine el año sin saber nada de él, cuando las uvas signifiquen solo una cuenta atrás y no el momento en el que yo esperaba un beso, el primero del año, será definitivo, se habrá acabado del todo. Puede haber o no haber un futuro para nosotros dos, pero ese camino que iniciamos hace un año, en una fiesta, con besos, ingenuidad y mucha esperanza, ese camino habrá muerto. Podría haber elegido otro día, porque para mí hoy es nuestro, y sin embargo se que no es cierto, que ya nada nuestro queda, más que el recuerdo. Y me pondré preciosa, todo lo que haga falta para no perderme esta noche, para disfrutar de lo que tengo, pero le echo de menos y eso no lo cambiará nada.

Nochevieja

¡Oh dios, que preciosa voy a ir! Mama es unica encontrándome cosas.

In the eye of the storm

Humans. All over the place, below me, crawling around like ants, with no apparent sense of unity. You can clearly see then that the one over there loves her. She thinks he is a good replacement, until she can find someone better. Kids playing, learning how to sociallice, jumping and threatening on telling on the partner. Mothers, sisters, friends, lovers, enemies, circles, circles interlacing, mixing, complicated and so very predictable. And amongst them all, me, watching them interact on my short ride like they are puppets and it's a show they put on for me. Do people really have a mind of their own or are they mine to play with? Puppets for christmas.

Companionship

Never underestimate the power of a kindred soul. Understanding feelings through personal loss, and making a common cause of keeping eachother upbeat. I look forward for that moment of the day when I can be really me, when I can talk about my innermost feelings and never feel ashamed or inadequate, but beautiful and intelligent and interesting instead. Helping me understand what lies behind it all, and making me smile through the path there and out. Blissful.

Early morning thoughts

So... yeah. This was a break. Not forever, we claimed, I claimed. Just until I'm better, just until I can work out my feelings and be able to talk to him without bawling. Just until he was back. And he said it didn't need to be definitive. As much confused as I am, I still think I got that right when he said that he didn't mean that he wasn't ever going to want a relationship again. So this needn't be goodbye, though it totally feels like it, and on the second night with no news of him, I'm starving for it.

I've gone through blinding anger, denial, depression and negotiation and there's only one left. Acceptance. Acceptance that this love I feel is real, that it isn't going away, and that I want him to be happy, always, and if he needs to find himself, so be it. So if this is temporary, maybe life will throw us together again. Maybe our bond really was special and it can take this. Maybe it isn't, I can't know that. On my side things are as strong as ever, on his side... I know he cares for me, I just don't know if that matters.

Wish I knew what the future holds. My plans were simple, grow old and wise together, and I wish that one day, when he's done with this self-discovery trip he's indulging in, well, I wish he would look back at all the people he's met, at who he is and who I am, and say 'she's still the one'. Wishful thinking, maybe. It's all so confusing, and the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that whatever the outcome is, I'm growing and I'm finding worth in myself.

Whatever happens, I'm still here. Wiser, stronger, prettier than ever and all in all an improved version of myself, if only because I've learned not to take anything for granted. Water tastes sweeter when you're thirsty, anyway.

Audience

So... Not a common post for me, but who is reading this? Because my stats keeps telling me that someone reads me daily in Germany and some other person/people from US are doing so too, and I'm getting curious, since usually my blog has but a few visits a week, usually from a close someone. So, whoever you are, speak up? I'd love it.

A or B

Choices, choices, choices. This is what it comes down to. I can either have one thing or the other, but not both. Stubbed my toe one too many times with the same silly pebble, so I'm ruling out that one, and I'm going for the choice of life. I am deserving, I have come to see that. Young, pretty, unique, as someone told me yesterday, and I'm making the choice to stay in my own path. He wanted it all, he wanted what love brings without the 'ties', as if love was an obligation and not a present. As if love could be given freely to any stranger, any 'hot babe', with the trust, intimacy, and all, and expect it to be special anyway.

That is not how love works, be it a mono or polyamorous relationship, it needs to be worshipped, it needs to be special, it needs physical closeness and a will to stick together through thick and thin, to work things out. It shouldn't be an effort, because when someone's special, you want to give that person things you don't give to anyone else. When a friend is close you trust him more and tell him truths that no one else knows. When a lover is close, you want to share things with them that you voluntarily decide not to give anyone else, to draw a line between that person and the rest of the world, because they are the world to you.

So I know I'm special. I know someone will love me the way I deserve, without making me another notch on the bedpost. Someone who knows what they want and doesn't stray off at the first sign of trouble. And that's why I made the choice of getting away, because he never knew he loved me until he left me and forced me away, and there have been so many ups and downs that he made me second guess my worth, because he wants me but he doesn't want to stay, and to me that's not fair. I am not waiting around for someone who doesn't know what he wants. When he figures out, let him come over, see who I am then, where I am. Perhaps in the arms of someone else, someone better.

Recuerdos

Se me agolpan ahora que el adiós se ve verdadero. Los recuerdos me asfixian, me duelen, los odio, los quiero, los necesito. Salamanca, él y yo, un bar especial, bravas, discutir y arreglarlo a abrazos y besos, y hacer el amor.

Juntos en una tarde gandiense, de paseo, comprando la comida, cocinando, besándonos, jugando.

¿Qué nos pasó, que los besos y abrazos ya no podían arreglarlo? ¿Qué hay tan importante que no pudiéramos superarlo? ¿Quizá el deseo de una relación abierta? No se qué es, pero ya no me siento ni especial ni suficiente.

Le echo de menos, y conforme más recuerdo menos entiendo. Y no quiero renunciar, pero me veo obligada a olvidar de momento, y esperar que pueda en algún punto amar de nuevo, a él o a otro, si mi corazón consiente.

A Star Rover

Glazing, gazing at the sky, twenty stars like saphires on dark black. Turn it on, the wand that brings magick on the world, go ahead and jump from this life to the next, and light up like wildfire, green and blue.

We are starseekers, wandering aimlessly through them sparks, mint fresh and breathing the secret of time (it doesn't exist, not how we believe). I can spring from spring to summer in Berlin, and find myself hidden in that shadowy alley that became our straight jacket, our prison of the mind.

Rove, Star Rover. Take your guidance from the twinkles above and find a new sun.

Done

I've tried, really tried, but I couldn't. I get why he did what he did, but I don't get what he did it for, when he's undoing it all again with his reluctance to let me go completely. He wants it all, and for what it's worth, I've been too willing to give it all, but not anymore. I'm not giving up on my love, all's due in due time, I'm just keeping it to myself, because it rather makes no sense to put myself through this.

My goal now is to be full and complete on my own, to reach that peace of mind and be who I always wanted to be, that strong person that can face the world and take it as a birthright. One day, I'll look at myself in the mirror and I'll say "I'm ready to fall in love again", but for now, it is just me and myself, and that's fine, because I'm the only one I can trust.

See you when I'm ready.

Dream

Today I dreamed of him, but naught good. He was keen on hurting me, on telling me I was worthless, on keeping people insulting me around me. I remember I was doing my make-up anyway, and keeping my tears to myself, raising my head and leaving from that toxic place. That's how it feels with him. I never know whether he's coming or going, and that doesn't matter anymore.

If it was my last day on earth...

I woke up and talked to one of the most important people in my life, sent him off his journey with a kiss. I spent all morning lazing around, doing things I like, cleaning a bit for my mom, and eating good stuff for lunch. I enjoyed a nice afternoon read and went to class only to find it had turned into a play room and we made fake snow snowmen. Talked to my family, got an unexpected present, a job offering, a couple of hugs and kisses and the love from children, which is always the most sincere. I went out with a friend, walked around town, shared a good laugh and decided we'd do this every week day, healthy too. A young man acknowledged me and made me feel pretty, with no fancy clothes or make up on. Back at home, I fell asleep on the couch to the background sound of my mother and her friend chattering, after a nice dinner and a talk with my special someone, who told me he was safe and sound at the station, and now that I'm about to make my way back to bed, I realize that it was a great day.

Should this, for whatever reason, be my last day on earth, I do believe I lived it to the fullest. And then a realization hits me. This is not so uncommon in my life. I just chose to ignore it and focus on the drawbacks, the inconveniences that come with human interaction. So I have now a new life purpose, I'll make a point to keep record of the good things, and cherish them for what they are, even if it is just a warm cup of tea and a nice book. Spent too much time complaining to see the true beauty of the small things. And at this time and place, I have to say, I am thankful. For all the people who stayed through thick and thin, for those who helped me get back on my feet, even if it hurt, for my dog and her snores, for the warmth and the cold and everything. It's been a rollercoaster of a week, but I think I'm coming out wiser and stronger.

And thanks to you, whoever is there reading, for listening.

11.11

Es inmensidad. Siento unas intensas ganas de llorar, ahora que sin verlo venir, un capullo ha florecido. Puede que sean las conversaciones con mis 4 ángeles, o puede que el examen aprobado empujara la primera pieza del dominó, pero de pronto lo tengo claro. No voy a renunciar a nada de lo que amo. Ni a pintar, ni a abrazar a mi chuch, ni a escribir, ni a hablar con mi lobo, ni a aprender, ni a amar, empezando por mí. Y si me cuesta y me caigo por el camino, solo merecerá más la pena, porque habré además aprendido a levantarme. No digo que no me asuste un poco a veces, pero ahora siento que tengo el coraje de afrontarlo. Hasta luego, orilla, me voy al mar.

About weird dreams...

...and puzzle pieces. About a production that never came to be, a hotel room with the sink on the roof, a door, a thorn, a thorn is a door. Dogs wild and children play, and rainbows hitting on sunrays. A whiteboard, hanging, being drawn. The scent of cool morning, the chirping, the inability, who are you and why are you here? Confusion, waking up and never knowing where you are until back to dreamland you stand with a brother nearing a building. Radio waves and interferences. I hear it all around me, the buzz.

I'm alive.

Palabras antes de dormir

Paz. ¿Es paz lo que siento? Creo que este es el camino correcto. El camino del cambio, girarlo todo hasta poner la tierra patas arriba y bajo mis pies, encontrar la verdad, saber que el verdadero enemigo iba dentro, y luchar y vencer en mi propio terreno. Hoy todo me habla de que el ciclo se ha completado, de que estoy a las puertas de aquello que anhelo, si solo lucho por ello. La pared se ha caído y hoy le veo el sentido a todo, incluso al principio. Voy a dejar de vivir sintiéndome culpable por ello, y voy a coger el mundo entre mis manos, pues es mío. Mañana me haré con mis óleos y voy a volver a ese estado primigenio de ser yo y el lienzo, porque tengo ilusión por oler los colores de nuevo.

The big picture.

A través de los días, los momentos interminables de tedio insoportable, calor que adormece el cuerpo y nada salvo el aleteo de algun pajaro extraviado, las preguntas atormentan el ser, cuestionando quién, cómo, cuándo e incluso 'y si...?' Se convierte en tu cárcel, tu mente.

Y por fortuna o un destino planeado antes de tu nacimiento, aparece ese trébol, esa sonrisa, esa revelación en forma de sorpresa en un pub. Es en ese momento cuando encuentras un desgarro en la realidad y puedes mirar más allá, y se te libera todo, y te conviertes en el que enciende las estrellas, en la noche interminable del alma. Vidas pasadas, vidas no vividas, lo que uno es, lo que uno hace, lo que no hará, todo se expande ante tus ojos vidriosos, atrapados en ese cuerpo que ya no es tuyo. Eres un auténtico vagabundo estelar, y desde el cielo se ve la gran imagen, y nada es más hermoso. Un reloj caminando hacia ninguna parte por la eternidad.

Debo leerte de nuevo, star rover.

Anew

I guess, for all it's worth, there is no broken promise. I've never been so sure as now. So cheers. 

Sueños

Uno detrás de otro tras una noche de risas y palabras con segundas con un camarero de la 23. Fue interesante ver como aún merezco determinadas atenciones. Pero volvamos a los sueños. Muchos de ellos, variados, dispares, extraños. Sueños de alegría unos, otros de los que odio porque me despierto, otros tristes, tanto que se parecen demasiado a la realidad. Encontrarte, perderte, encontrarte de nuevo, con otro rostro, otro nombre, pero el mismo abrazo. Tu y él, en el mismo mundo, en un universo donde puedo teneros a los dos en lugar de a ninguno, donde ni la muerte existe, ni existen las dudas ni existe el dolor. No quiero despertar.

Promesas

Hoy es el día. Tú y yo nos hicimos una promesa, una deuda si quieres, y hoy ha llegado el momento de cumplirla. Hoy que todo se ve gris, que se me desgastan los planes como se desgastan las mentiras, que por fin he dormido y ya no quiero despertar, hoy es cuando he de cumplir con mi lado del pacto. No importa cuánto duela, cuánto esté dejando atrás, hoy he de alzarme como Lázaro y andar. Cogeré la cera y dejaré mi piel lisa, por si alguien la acaricia. Me arrancaré las lágrimas y las convertiré en fuerzas para recordar por qué no funcionaría, y que yo lo sabía, y así aprender de nuevo a no amar. Me sacaré de este agujero así sea dejándome las uñas, porque ni él se merece que me quede ni tú que me rinda. Porque mi vida es tuya más que mía, hoy cumplo mi promesa de vivirla.

8415

Tú. Entre claroscuros y gritos, sangre coagulada, tú. Allí donde por última vez te vi, allí apareces. Sensación de paz, de que mi alma está, por fin, completa. Quizá he caído presa de las Manos Frías que te nos llevaron, quizá. No estás del todo. No importa. Tu abrazo sigue siendo ese lugar en el que me siento viva, sin planteamientos de qué hago aquí o quien soy (sin ti). Y la magia sucede, mejillas rosas y frías como tú, aquí, flotando en la inmensidad de este nuestro lugar, en el útero del universo, conectados más entre nosotros que con esa madre que sopló vida en nosotros, nuestro cordón umbilical que acaricias con temor estúpido, pues no concibo vida sin ti. Y entonces, sin previo aviso, la luz se apodera de mi habitación, abriendo mis ojos a la realidad de esta cama vacía, de esta vida vacía sin ti, mi media alma llorando tu ausencia. Pero sigo sintiendote, tu presencia es eterna, tus manos siguen, fantasmales, sobre mí. No te vas sin mí, y se que no nos perderemos. Juntos vinimos, juntos nos iremos.